Somewhere deep in the shrouded penetralia of Corporate America the door of a luxury office suite pleads for my name.
I am going to be a Namerizerer when I grow up.
Ever READ a paint chip chart? Obsessed over fabric swatches? Martyred Melon… Trinity Site Sunset…. Mango Mildew… BUT DON’T ORDER YET.
Who contrives these names? I CAN DO THAT.
Few and pathetic skills are needed. That sums up my resume. Add a tablespoon of creativity, a dash of devious nuance, and a lifetime of inescapable immersion in Pavlov’s Emporium. I CAN DO THAT.
Namerologists have secure jobs. Sure, the “big house” CEO’s can find cheaper labor in the refrigerator box suburbs abroad, but you have to think like an American to spin a name with wings. Namerizerers from New Deli will not realize “Turbo Tornado” is not a good Double Wide epithet.
Job security increases when we consider related Government positions. Even wars need a name. Orwell had no REAL appreciation for the gentrifying and civilizing balm of words. I for one appreciate “collateral damage” as opposed to the more vulgar “dead babies”.
Namerizerers make our world a better place.
I am a natural. Bon mots and verbal Tater Tots, fall off my tongue faster than the sprinkles shaker at a donut factory.
infamous legendary savoir faire enables my nuancing perfect names. Pay ME aristocracy well, to add allure to linoleum or temptation to tableware.
The profession is not without it’s challenges, failures and legendary successes.
Have you ever heard of the “Barbara’s Bush Sink Scrubbie”? I thought not.
But who can think Douche without thinking “Summers Eve”? Who does not glaze over with memories of a summer evening? Watermelon and sparklers and kids playing kick the can… youth, innocence and lightning bugs… one layer deeper evokes the first biblical woman. God very well may endorse this product. It has been a hygiene Tsunami of success.
Now that we have pretty much outsourced science, we are free to devote ourselves to these more main street needs. Who says America has turned its back on the common man?
You have doubtless seen the television footage of peasants surging through the streets with pitchforks and torches demanding to be paid less, further expansion of the Empire and an end to Social Security?
I had better get a job.