Somewhere deep in the shrouded penetralia of Corporate America the door of a luxury office suite pleads for my name.

I am going to be a Namerizerer when I grow up.

Ever READ a paint chip chart?  Obsessed over fabric swatches?  Martyred Melon…   Trinity Site Sunset….    Mango Mildew…   BUT DON’T ORDER YET.

Who contrives these names?  I CAN DO THAT.

Few and pathetic skills are needed.  That sums up my resume.   Add a tablespoon of creativity, a dash of  devious nuance, and a lifetime of inescapable immersion in Pavlov’s Emporium.  I CAN DO THAT.

Namerologists have secure jobs.   Sure, the “big house” CEO’s can find cheaper labor in the refrigerator box suburbs abroad, but you have to think like an American to spin a name with wings.  Namerizerers from New Deli will not realize  “Turbo Tornado” is not a good Double Wide epithet.

Job security increases when we consider related Government positions.  Even wars need a name.   Orwell had no REAL appreciation for the gentrifying and civilizing balm of words.  I for one appreciate “collateral damage” as opposed to the more vulgar “dead babies”.

Namerizerers make our world a better place.

I am a natural.  Bon mots and verbal Tater Tots,  fall off my tongue faster than the sprinkles shaker at a donut factory.

My infamous legendary savoir faire enables my nuancing perfect names.  Pay ME aristocracy well, to add allure to linoleum or temptation to tableware.

The profession is not without it’s challenges, failures and legendary successes.

Have you ever heard of the “Barbara’s Bush Sink Scrubbie”?  I thought not.

But who can think Douche without thinking “Summers Eve”?  Who does not glaze over with memories of a summer evening?  Watermelon and sparklers and kids playing kick the can…   youth, innocence and lightning bugs…   one  layer deeper evokes the first biblical woman.  God very well may endorse this product.  It has been a hygiene Tsunami of success.

And it can get you a raise….

Feeling left out, I once bought it to run through my coffee maker.

Now that we have pretty much outsourced science, we are free to devote ourselves to these more main street needs.  Who says America has turned its back on the common man?

You have doubtless seen the television footage of peasants surging through the streets with pitchforks and torches demanding to be paid less, further expansion of the Empire and an end to Social Security?

I had better get a job.

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20 Responses to Namerizerer

  1. Cary Ryerson says:

    No kidding????

    • osolynden says:

      I never kid a kidder Cary… Unless I can get away with it.
      Thanks for sending me your new address.
      PS joined “friendburst” and they link to the blogs HERE!

  2. moosehammer says:

    I knew I was missing something when I asked for a raise. 😉

    It must be really cold out your way, because I keep seeing snow falling on your blog here.

    I’ll see if I can figure out how the linking from friendburst to blogs here works. I had been just copying and pasting both here and there.

    P.S.- So why isn’t the singular form of zombies spelled zomby? And how long do you think it will take before some hipster starts spelling it Xom-B?

    • osolynden says:

      Guess for now I will (drag and drop) my blog onto friendburst. 😉 Too bad the comments will stay separate. OH WELL.

      Will email my Zombie friends and ask… I don’t invite them over anymore.

  3. Little Sun says:

    If you can outdo the Summer’s Eve folks who have tricked millions of women into buying a product that may well create the problem it is supposed to cure (and worse ones), that would be something to see.

    But can you outdo this?

  4. osolynden says:

    Hey, I just want to name things. Talk to the truth in advertising department. And yes I can outdo that. Huckabee is calling for the execution of the leaker on the charge of Treason.

  5. All this time and it was Summer’s Eve.! Wow, now I can attain the confidence I need to move ahead in my career and in life! Thanks for writing such a wonderful blog about success! 🙂

    Also, “Fox News” just had breaking news of mass peoples from across this Christian nation protesting for lower wages! Beck told the audience that “people want to be so poor that they understand democracy and this footage is proof that, with lower taxes, people are demanding not to earn too much money.” Everything seems to be falling into place for our great empire nation.

  6. I’m not just being modest in stating that this post, and the comments after by various readers, including additional commentary by the blog post author, are brilliant.

    Which is terribly distressing to me and my blog. I will just have to steal some of your writing style, that’s all. ‘Steal from one source and it’s called plagiarism. Steal from many, and it’s research.’ – unknown

    • osolynden says:

      so where are you blogging these days now that my space committed suicide? Would love to read it.

      • I am still in an abusive relationship of the type that dare not speak it’s name (Murdoch & Me).

        A long-time friend of Paul Newman’s (I adored him), was just on NPR touting his new book about their relationship. Thought of you when he relayed that Mr. Newman was not a big fan due to Mr. Murdoch’s politics.

        You DO make me question supporting someone who supports the homophobic Conservative block in this country, lynden. On the other hand, I am squeemish to punish someone just because they have a different political persuasion than I do.

        • osolynden says:

          “Some animals are more equal than others” and I have no problem ripping Rupert any chance I get. To buy citizenship and then slosh millions around to destroy democracy seems more than a “different political persuasion”.

          I have joined “friendburst” which is still under construction and is still small. 800 members but growing quickly. as such the founder is in great evidence and very responsive… There are a lot of My Space refugees there.

  7. Mel Avender says:

    Bear. Was the coffee any better?

    • osolynden says:

      Instant coffee always hurts if you snort it. Those freeze dried crystals have sharp little edges. Oh wait…. You are talking about after I douched my pot…. 🙂 I kinda made that part up….

  8. Mel Avender says:

    Bear. I kinda knew you did. But it’s still one of your funniest lines.

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