My group leader thinks the hook is set, and I can now tell you a wonderful secret.
Tired of religions that ask you to alter your behavior? That tell you how to vote, who to bonk, have long shalt, shalt not lists. That bicker about the obscure differences between total immersion and water boarding? God, herself, settled all of these important issues, on January 18th, 1968 at 2:37 p.m., mountain standard time.
THAT HAS NOW BEEN REVEALED.
It is time to share with you, the deep joy and relief of surrendering reason to belief. Turn pointless pondering into mystic masturbation. Submit to the Divine Miasma, and experience the inner beauty and un-furrowed peace, that we like to think of as a spiritual Botox treatment.
On January 29th of the year 2009, a blinding hot flash enveloped my next door neighbor. As she was toweling dry she realized that more than wet sheets had been left behind. The church of OUR TRUTH IS BIGGER THAN YOURS IS, had been born.
Since that moment of revelation, our membership role has doubled and we both agree that that we have outgrown the rusting model T out in the yard. Ground has been broken for our new and mighty Cathemple. We have scratched the outline of the original Big Bang, one micro millisecond after the creation of the current universe, in the dirt with a stick. This empty beer can and mortar edifice will begin rising when we get the spring thaw.
Unlike other religions we do not ask for money.
But, WE NEED YOUR HELP!
We should also be able to raise further revenue with our roadside rattle snake petting zoo.
But wait… Anyone who responds to this offer before the end of the world qualifies for our bonus, E-dulgence program. Have your cake and eat it too. This IS a limited time offer.
Remember, this is the only religion actually endorsed by God in writing. Photocopies on request.