On the Edge

I thought gravity and I were friends. I confess… the honeymoon is over. Don’t get me wrong, the attraction is still powerful and I am grateful the top slice of bread doesn’t float off my sandwich and drift away.

I think of gravity as a dominatrix who has forgotten the “safe word”. When I stumble I fall. Walking, sitting and snuggling with my pillow are different degrees of unpleasant. Gravity sucks.

Whales evolved from land dwelling ancestors. They gave full force gravity a shot and rejected it. A beached whale’s weight crushes it’s internal organs. I understand. My mattress is lot like a beach right down to the dog deposited sand… For me when it comes to gravity, less is more.

You have inescapably heard about American Exceptionalism. It is a lot like gravity. There is no escape. We DO have more bottomless pit road side attractions than the rest of the world combined. That is exceptional.


I'll keep looking...

I’ll keep looking…

They tell me free fall is like being weightless. The problem is the hard landing… But if the pit is TRULY bottomless…

I think If I tether supplies and use a magic carpet as the illusion of a “floor” I could get a decent nights sleep.


gravity activated magic carpet

gravity activated magic carpet

Here is a gent who has done all the science for me. http://scienceblogs.com/startswithabang/2013/02/27/the-physics-of-a-bottomless-pit/

So here I am on the edge. I am not quite ready to launch. A few details need attention. Should I float bathroom waste up using helium balloons, or cannon fire it down below the carpet?

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4 Responses to On the Edge

  1. scarlybobs says:

    Where I grew up as a kid, there was a museum where you sat on an old, shabby carpet. When you looked at a TV screen there was you on the carpet, flying through clouds and whooshing across the sky! I used to think that was great haha 🙂

  2. I’ve been dwelling on this one for the last day or so and I think I’m ready to jump in with both feet. 🙂

    How did you get so lucky to be friendly with gravity at all? Gravity’s been kicking my ass ever since I went wall walking when I was eight. Learned a profound respect for gravity and an utter fear of heights that day. Since then I don’t give gravity much of an opportunity to pull me down off high places, but I can’t say the same for my boobs or my ass. For now they take the brunt of gravity’s cruelty. Occasionally, gravity enlists the assistance of carpet and sidewalk monsters to try to bring me down, but so far they haven’t been able to stage a seriously effective coup against me. I’m sure their time will eventually come though.

    As far as the bottomless pit idea, if it is truly bottomless would you not fall out the other side of the world? Or, would you be trapped in an ever shrinking swinging fall until you came to a stop somewhere in the middle? Then would you still be in a weightless free fall or possibly stuck in some type of suspended animation? At that point do the sides of the pit then become the bottom and you’re right back on gravity soaked terra firma? I admit I did not read your link. Were any of these questions covered?

    On the subject of your waste management, I think the helium idea would be the safest in the long run. Even if you could shoot it far ahead of you in the fall, eventually you would catch up to it and pass it. Then if you do get stuck in the swinging fall you might get hit with your own crap on one of the return swings of your fall. Not a pretty picture in my mind’s eye.

    • osolynden says:

      Thank you for jumping in! 😉

      I am glad to hear other than the usual depredations and sagging bits you remain “seriously effective coup” free.

      I managed to avoid the wall walking experience as I concentrated on doing the things I had been expressly warned against and they left that off my list.

      I am unclear as to whether a pound of feathers (or turds) falls faster than a 230 lb. man. I do know a pound of feathers and a pound of lead fall at the same speed. Maybe I should go re-read the link…

      Which does cover many things… like the prediction that when you pop through the earth’s crust on the other side it will be like the “bop a mole” game and you will hover briefly before starting the return trip. And the advice the the middle of the journey may get rather warm…

      I tend to agree with your helium thought. I tend to dislike loud noises…

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